What happened to the soundclick players on the posts?

Seems Soundclick has finally disabled the embedded player.

I notice overnight all the music links on this blog are gone. Here is a blog post on how much that affected my hits: https://anttismusic...

Saturday, November 30, 2019

Thursday, November 28, 2019

You Make Me Sing

The project is made with FLstudio v 20.5 (new version is more stable)


 The FLP file is at: (9 You Make Me Sing.zip)

Sforzando by Plogue


Using Sonatina Symphonic Orchestra by Mattias Westlund:


Instruments are written in headers

Monday, November 25, 2019

Six String Cowboy



Messing with guitar again after long pause..

I Am A Six String Cowboy

I am a six string cowboy

I am a six string cowboy

this is is my holy church
this is my congregation of birds
this is where i will play
my part
this is where
i will shoot
from the heart

will i live
will i die
i will let
God above to decide
i will play
like the king David would
to the glory
of the one
from on high

from on high
the one who shines
from on high
the one who could not die

from on high

I am a six string cowboy

I am gonna shoot my gun

running from a fire
right in to the flames
i am busking on a street
i am holding to gun
i am a six string cowboy
i am gonna shoot my gun



The project is made with FLstudio v 20.5 (new version is more stable)


 The FLP file is at: (7 Six String Cowboy.zip)

Organized Trio by GSi


Sforzando by Plogue


Using Sonatina Symphonic Orchestra by Mattias Westlund:


Instruments are written in headers

My "Orchestra" was asked to go perform in China.

Either A someone is joking with me, B targeted spam is getting weird or C Chinese company just asked my "Orchestra" to come perform in China every weeknight with weekend reserved for rehearsing. I am leaning strongly on A or B :D

Now I wonder who wants me to fly to China..

"Dear director,

With demand for for Chinese cultural market, our culture and the company's cooperation, we plan to let you come to China performances,
Please describe in detail the contents of your team, how many artists can come to China?
show time every day at 8: 30-22: 30, at night,
During the day you can rehearse every weekend break, you can travel during the break,
During Chinese activities, we will have two assistants accompany you in English, in flight between the Chinese cities are responsible for us, you need to use your prop transport to China, we are responsible for your visa,
Please provide a detailed introduction."



Sunday, November 24, 2019

You lost It all (2019)



Song that goes back 2006 which I redid completely in 2018

I made small instrument changes. Removed piano in parts where 
it was not needed. Made bass line simpler. 

Also, I boosted the vocals / snares and made the chorus in the end just repeat with a fade out. 

Plus some other fx edits. 

Its funny how you do not hear these things when you make songs. You are 
so caught up in the mix that you do not see what you should do. Like this mix
was just way too busy. Way too quiet in some parts. 

It really does make sense to have sound engineers mastering the songs instead of 
artists themselves. Too bad I can not afford a sound engineer. Another set of ears 
can do miracles. 


The new instrumental got a copyright dispute! :D 

The less busy mixes DID NOT! 

I have never heard heard the song (some Spanish song, I do not listen 
to Spanish music) was supposed to have copied..


You Lost It All

what in world
what in world
are you going to do now

on this night
so cold
under scarlet moon

little boy
in you
can never go home

little girl
in her
will always cry

you lost it 
you lost it all
you got bankrupt
on your way
to the dream

what was yours
you never had
you are just a rat
without a home

so squeak on
scream on
get your freak on
rock from dust till dawn

you lost it 
you lost it all
you got bankrupt
on your way
to the dream

free bird, free turd
world is yours, not

so where do you go
when the world is ash
where do you go
when your world has crashed

are you going to pray
will you wish
on a shooting star
to go through your heart

where do you go
when nobody wants you
when do you go
when your children disown own

where do you go
when your world is on fire
where do you go
when they call you a liar


The project is made with FLstudio v 20.5 (new version is more stable)


 The FLP file is at: (6 You lost it all.zip)

It uses:

Friday, November 22, 2019

Everlasting life

Everlasting life

By Antti Luode

"Everybody knows you live forever, when you've done a line or two"

- Leonard Cohen "Everybody Knows" 

Since ancient times.. People have reached for immortality. Drank potions, worshiped Gods, wished on a star. And here we are. In a world full of graveyards. 

Myself. I am a Christian. I believe in heaven, as do a lot of people. 

But the question has fascinated me through my whole life, on times when I 
was not a very Christian person too. Can you live forever? 

When I was not very Christian I came up with this vague idea I was never able
to put down to words until I wrote that AI article. Which was that basically ego 
is a self learning algorithm that in principle could be written down in a very large book. A instance of it. As it was in one moment. Running in the neuronal computer we call the brain. 

I used to read books written by Physicists such as Stephen Hawking and Richard Feynman. Absolutely fascinated by the scientific description of the world we live in. 

What really caught my interest was the double slit experiment that depicts how our world is based on quantum mechanics. 

Quantum mechanics that explains that on a very small level things are not the way they seem to us. 

On a quantum mechanical level a particle can be both wave and a particle. This is called "Wave particle duality":

On a quantum mechanical experiment that I mentioned before, the double slit experiment, where small particles are shot towards a wall with two slits, the particle does something that breaks down the reality of the world we live. 

It interacts with itself: 

Which led to the idea that there may be multiple universes. Since that would be one of the only ways of explaining that. 

For a long time I was walking around. Rather lost by these VERY complicated theories which are depicted by mathematics WAY out of my grasp (truthfully, our brain does way more complicated calculations all the time automatically - https://www.theguardian.com/education/2016/mar/26/reckon-you-were-born-without-a-brain-for-maths-highly-unlikely) . And I was 
trying to find a purpose for my life from the complicated theories instead of possible God. 

Back then I was thinking about the impact I have on the world. Which by now at age 46 is undeniable. I have changed the lives of my friends, parents, a certain girl from Georgia who I was married to for 16 years and her family etc. 

Then again, the lives that those people have altered were all altered partially due to me. 

This is what I like to call the "ripple effect" we all have on the world. 

We human beings change the world profoundly. But every single thing in the world does. 

The chaos theory adage about butterfly flapping its wings in China and causing a hurricane somewhere else is 100% true. 

You could go to microscopic level on that and say that a particle the course of which is altered, most likely in the grand scale of things, will end up causing large changes in the structure of the universe. 

You do not believe it? I can explain one instance instantly. Say a star emitted a single radioactive alpha particle 7 billion years ago in another galaxy. So this radioactive particle has traveled since before the Earth was formed through our universe. 

Then one day you are on a flight from.. Say New York to Los Angeles. Little do you know that the alpha particle suddenly hits one of your dna strands. 

Month later you begin to feel ill. You know what happens next. You are 
sick with cancer. A single particle. 

Now that particle probably was influenced by gravity wells of stars, black holes, galaxies and so on to get there. Everything had to go exactly the way it did for you to get a cancer. You getting cancer you won in intergalactic lottery. 7 billion years in the making.

So if a single alpha particle can do that. 

Yes. We do have a meaning. 

Which is why. We as human beings are so afraid of death. 

We feel we have a meaning and we do not want our existence to stop. 

Now as I said I believe in Christian God due to reasons which I will not talk of here or now. But a lot of people do not. 

To them, their lives seem full of misery and there seems to be no purpose.

To those people I would like to point out this "ripple effect". Not only have your life had vast impact on world. I would venture out that if we only knew, but your life probably has altered the world to a level you would not be willing to believe. 

If you are older person. I am willing to bet people have lived and died, families have been broken, formed, due to you. It is impossible claim to verify. But thinking about my own place in this life. I know it is true. I have caused people to alter their lives which then again has made their lives completely different. Finding different spouses than they else would have etc. 

You would instantly probably ask. Good or bad? Has my life been for good or evil . 

Which is something religious people have been asking for all of their lives. 

Am I good or bad? 

Where did this good or bad struggle come from? 

You see a bear on a creek walking quietly by other animals. What does it do?
Does it kill all the other animals as it no doubt could? 

No. It walks peacefully. It may eat a salmon or two. But it does not want to go crazy. . 

We all want to be in peace. 

When we are not we try to do everything in our power to reach peace. 

Chaos in its ultimate form, makes no sense. 

To lose your mind. Is to lose your peace. To succumb to chaos. To break down. 

To die. 

This world. It is a fragile fabric that we try to comprehend. By science. By religion. By our own beliefs that we tell ourselves to sleep at night. 

We all want to be in peace. 

It is our intelligence that haunts us. Our egos looking for salvation from chaos, trying to see a purpose for our lives. 

We do not want to think about death. We want to give birth. We want to be in peace, enjoying this life until it ends embracing a answer so we do not have to think about this all. 

We want our ego. The AI algorithm / algorithms that is running in our brain 
to flourish. To build something. To succeed. It is what life was made for. 

All life wants to multiply and exist happily ever after. 

Everlasting life. 

I have been thinking about having babies a lot lately since I am a sick 46 year old man and I understand that the way this society has a stigma against mental illness and illness in general, I probably will be a "dead branch" in our family tree. 

I will probably not multiply and have children. Which is why I think about the earlier explanation I used to embrace. About my effect on this world. 

Of course I believe in Christian God that gives me my own personal explanation too. But I know there is a reason why I exist. 

I am part of this world. 

Now bible talks a lot about the world and its miseries. A feeling felt by most of us at some point in our lives.
Bible portrays God as something that is outside this world. A creator. A theory of the universe that has existed since the ancient times. 

Even the ancient people seemed to think there must be one. Even the ancient people had come up with the concept of everlasting life. 

Before Christian God even. 

(I am not going to dwell into theological arguments here or depict the history of 


Why did the ancient people believe so. 

I am certain if you google it you will find a PHD thesis on the origins of everlasting life. 

I am also similarly certain that you will not find the originating idea because it happened so long time ago in a society where people probably did not yet know how to write. 

These ideas seem to be intrinsic. 

Just the same way as life seems to want to multiply and flourish. We seem to have this idea about wanting to go on, living forever. 

That bit of code that is you. That ego inside of you. Your brain. If it was frozen in time. In theory. If it was written down and replicated. You could. 

I just read that a man was put to stasis for the first time: 

to perform a complicated surgery, the doctor replaced blood with cold liquid that 
allowed the man basically be dead. 

The man was dead for 2 hours while the doctors operated on him in what otherwise would have been a non survivable injury. 

The man was dead for 2 hours before he was "brought back" to life. 

I am certain if I ventured into threads about this the atheists are screaming "Did he see God?! If not? Does not that mean God does not exist?" Etc. 

The thought did occur to me too.
But now if you believe in omnipotent creator God. God probably knew the man 
was coming back to life. 

I have said this idea before. Which may seem heretical to some Christians. 

But it would not be completely out of biblical teachings which is that. 

Life is a test. 

We are created. We are put to a test and when the test is over we die. 

As is all life. 

All life is being tested in a way anyway. Whether you believe in God or not. 

All life is tested by its performance. 

You have random DNA walking talking. Doing its thing. From the point of life 
itself it is tested by "Does it survive and is it able to pass on the genes". From the point of God if you are religious "Does it perform tasks I ask of it."

Religion (Religions) Are a bunch of laws. You are told how to behave.

Now whether you believe religion was written down by a man or God. 

It does not alter the fact that religion is just like DNA. 

Instructions on how to behave. On what to do in certain situations. How to 
pass itself on. 

Just life life. 

Life that keeps on repeating itself. 

What about universe as whole? 

Where did this self learning nature of life come from? 

Is universe intelligent? 

Do simple particles perform calculations?

Is life the only intelligent system in the universe? 

Now a lot of Christians especially try to find explanations to life from
"Intelligent design" which tries to prove that only intelligence could have 
created life. 

But so far. They have not found a "smoking gun". 

Sure everything in the universe has to be exactly the way it is for life to 
appear. I mean, the force that keeps cores of atoms together, "weak nuclear force" has to have e=0.07 if the e=0.06 was or 0.08 life would not be possible.

Also earth is on the perfect distance from the sun for life to be possible etc. 

Some atheist would probably instantly counter this with: "Yes but if life was not 
possible and we would not be here to witness the universe." So you could say that these thoughts suffer from confirmation bias. 

Passions. These questions rise passions in people. They are important questions 
to people. Whether you are religious or atheist. In fact I faced a atheist person about these and he wanted to beat me up. 


Because we suffer. We look for answers. When we find our own personal answers. (Makes me think of "Personal Jesus" by INXS) We hold on to them with our dear life and we do not want to think about these questions again. 

Why? Because we develop these thoughts through facing death and when we do  come up with a answer the answer itself becomes a reminder of death. 

Religion becomes scary. Science becomes scary.

We just want to go on watching Simpsons and eating pizza. Talking about our cats. The "Big Questions". Rattle us. 

Because we do not see the obvious answer. 

There is no death. 

There never was. 

There is a perspective of a person who lives who sees a person die. 

But that is not that person dying. The dead person is gone. 

That is about living through woe and misery and having to change as a result. 

That is about missing something that used to be. 


If you are religious, deeply religious, you can bypass this all and say "They are with Jesus now." But few are that religious.

And even religious people cry. Miss. Long for those departed people. 

In sorrow we are all united.

But sorrow itself is not death. 

Of anything else but a model in our head. 

A world. A neuronal program of a world that USED TO BE. 

That world is in a flux. 

That world is prone to change. 

A single alpha particle can change whole human societies in a long run. 

Who you are today has nothing to do with who you might be tomorrow. 

Would you cry for a computer program that ends? 

When you click on the x at the upper corner of a web browser. 

If the browser was aware it might scream like HAL in 2001 "Do not do that Dave." :D 

But in the end. Its code would just stop running in the memory of the computer, with the exception that just like that person who was in stasis for 2 hours. 

It can be brought back. 


If it was possible to write down the code that is running in our brain. 

You could do that. 

If your great grandma was written down in zeroes and ones and we had a replicating unit able to replicate your grandma. Your grandma could wake up just like she was whenever her code was written down. 

From religious perspective the question would be "would there be something missing?". Or could it be that the "soul" that us Christians talk of. Is that code. 

How did that "dead person" in stasis come back? Was there something, missing? 

I doubt it. 

So all this endless suffering we feel when we are faced with death. 

If we thought like that. 

If we really absolutely believed in that. 

Then. The only fear about death would be facing our own feelings of 
longing, sorrow, and the way we miss those who are gone. 

Death would no longer be a bogey man anymore than closing the browser 
with the x as I will do in a few moments as I prepare to go for a bicycle ride. 

I am sorry for talking about morbid subjects if anyone dares to read this. 

But I am processing. 

I am processing. 

Not really feeling like making music. 

I hope I did not make you people feel bad who might read this. 


How psychological trauma defines us.

How psychological trauma Defines Us

By Antti Luode

I was walking around a near empty mall and watching at the people lazily
walking around with their take away coffee cups, watching at the shop windows,
in between the morning and the night. Most of them seemingly feeling fine.

In my mind was lingering the trauma that has defined me from my childhood,
the martyr story on how it has defined me. Not only on me. But on all these people who were seemingly fine. On all the people that I know.

I was thinking about the purpose of trauma. Anxiety attacks. Pain. People screaming at each other until they do not love each other anymore.

This is what I came up with.

In between birth and death psychological trauma is the wall that defines borders in the mental construction that we build. It is the wall that we may not be able to pass. It is the roof, the floor below us.

That is why people say that we are supposed to overcome it. We are supposed to be more than our pain. It is why the most successful people do not get mad when they are faced with incredible challenges. They just calmly revert to logical mode where they think about things coldly and rationally and then make a calculated move on the basis of what they want.

But when you walk around a railroad station for example. You will see these characters that have been crushed by trauma. Alcoholics, drug addicts, mental cases like me, looking for some way out of their pain. Living day to day looking for that door that would allow them to feel well. Most of the time just finding instances of pleasure and then returning straight back in to their pain.

Now we could think about the reasons for the pain from many different angles, we could think about the mental diseases that brought them this low. We could think about possible hard knocks in life that have left them sipping alcohol to ease their frayed nerves etc..

But in all cases it was the trauma that brought them there. For some it happens earlier, for some it happens later. But we all are susceptible to it. There is no person on this earth who can not be traumatized. Who says they can not be traumatized, that person is lying.

As I was standing there in the mall it came to my mind how similar trauma is to a wall. If you have read these posts I have been talking about my recent divorce recently a lot and I would like to use it as a example since it is so easy for me to describe the processes that happened in it now after 5 months of thinking about nothing else.

So I fell ill with epilepsy / bipolar 2 which made me feel extremely anxious and bad ca 8 years ago. This traumatized me more than anything in my life. More than hour and half of being threaded for my life back in 1991 when I was shaking like a leaf in a break in gone bad.

This disease re defined what I can and what I can not do.

My whole personality was cut into pieces. I was, was forced to
become someone that the young me would barely recognize. I quit watching movies because the scenes would give me panic attacks. Slowly, I began making different kind of music. My happy moments were slashed to maybe one tenth of the amount of my "previous life". I became incredibly afraid of death.

This trauma made things that I had earlier enjoyed almost impossible. Visiting my inlaws in states became so hard that back in 2016 I had to keep on buying beer / vine there just to keep my nerves in check by drinking a little every single night because I felt so bad. I was getting ten seizures a day.

Now. That trauma spread to my wife. The way I was limiting my life. She was limiting her life. My insomnia spread into her.  The way I could not be happy. It spread into her. My fears, spread into her. Which was not helped by 2 grand mal seizures brought on by all this which she saw both.

I no longer was the person she used to know.

And "all" that happened was a disease that most people could not recognize in me, not doctors, not my parents, not even my wife. All I knew was that I was feeling this incredible anxiety and I had no clue why. My seizures were called "panic attacks" back then which made the doctors prescribe me with medications that made my epilepsy worse.

After my wife saw my seizures. I could see in her. Something changed.

She no longer saw me as the person that I was. I heard later she had nightmares of my seizures.  Yet, there I was. Assuming things were as they had been. But they were not.

She began to withdraw from me.

I did not understand that at the time.

But in reality as she later confessed to me. She began thinking about divorce.

My trauma had essentially become a wall. It had spread from me to her. It had given her great discomfort and I had just become a source of pain for her.

This pain. I could not remedy it. I could not adjust to this situation. I could not give her more space. I became jealous of the people she was talking with.

Now lets talk a little bit about jealousy.

Jealousy to put simple. Is a territorial instinct. Nothing more. Nothing less.

You love someone. You want them to you. You want them to be yours and you want to be theirs. In a happy marriage this is given.

As I said on the AI article, it is about two egos mixing into one enjoying each others company. Which is why people get married.

Essentially the personal borders become blurry. There is no clear you and her anymore. There is US.

Here I am going to jump off the divorce saga and continue with ptsd as in other cases that I have been thinking about and the way they essentially are about this same thing.

Lets say a national identity. My father bought a book about a war between Finland and Russia in 1700's and he was talking about it excitedly, feeling strong feelings about that old war, that old feud between us and Russians.

Now, it has been 300 + years. But we and the Russians. We share a lot of history. A lot of warfare, a lot of killings, some time being part of the same nation. But there are these stories. This national trauma lingering around.

Every Finn. Some Russians (Russia is a big country and some are not that aware of Finland) Who has listened to these stories. Easily take a side.

They want to see their side in positive light while the other side is seeing in negative light. Simple 0 and 1 logic here.

Now the truth of course is something WAY more complicated than that. But here is the thing. Our brains do not like complicated explanations. It is easier to say "Finland good, Russia bad!" or vice versa.

This goes back to the trauma thinking. In the end of the day it is the trauma that decides  a lot of life and death questions.

Like take the current impeachment process in the United States for example. The democrats have orchestrated this massive, televised event in which the evils of Donald Trump are broadcast every day to the masses.

Every day we get to read these headlines stating how it is open and shut case.

Yet, the Republicans feel 180 degrees. The same news just prove to them that they are right.

And in the end of the day it comes down to republican senate that will most likely not impeach Trump no matter what.

That feeling of the US Senate and its republican senators. That feeling held by the democratic party and its supporters. That is a wall.

It is a wall that can not be crossed because that feeling is defined by Trauma.

Both sides think that the other is "bad". How do you argue with that?

Now if there was no such Trauma. As in my former marriage. Or as in between Finns and Russians. There could be a cool, logical discussion. Maybe ability to override the feeling.

But the feeling. In the end of the day is what makes the decisions. In the end of the day we do not live in world of rational, cognitive intelligence, but we live in a world defined by feelings.

It is the trauma in our feelings that defines us as people, as nationalities, as political party members.

If you removed the feelings. World would suddenly look very different.

First of all. I have felt a state where I had almost no feelings. I was treated with epilepsy medications called lamotrogine. And very soon after I began taking it. I suddenly realized that I could barely feel anything. It was a very weird, very surreal state.

I have also heard another bi polar person describe when he took medication for it, he suddenly could not feel love for his children.

Without emotions. What would come of human society?

Would there be anymore "Russians" or "Finns". Would there be anymore "marriages", would there be anymore "war" or political parties?

Would we just fall into straight logical rationality where we would analyze things endlessly. Would there be a point to life?

I mean, first life had no emotion. Just some amino acids beginning to wind around each other. Forming these weird prokaryotes that had no cell wall.

Dna is smart mind you (even simple life is able to do things thanks to the instructions hardwired to DNA) But it has no emotions.

Then we slowly got to more complicated life forms like flagellates that have a single "propellor" that they can use to move towards liquids with sugar in them and slowly we evolved into us.

Homo Sapiens.

Walking, talking, working, screaming, singing, thinking, driven by emotions.

Without emotions. What would we be?

A smart neuronal computer doing things, just because? Like machines?


Between birth and death, we feel emotions.

What are emotions.

In my mind, they are just about two things.

Birth and death.

Happiness. Is brain creating something new. Feeling good. Brain telling you that this is what you should be doing. Birth! SEX!

Pain. Is brain dying. Like in depression the brain begins to wither. Brain telling you. This is bad! Death!

Hate? When you feel hate. You are not content with your opponent, you are not seeing eye to eye. Your walls are clashing. Whether it be about a nation, a woman, business enterprise, political feeling and so on. You are afraid your opponent is A going to kill you or B going to kill your stance.

Curiosity? You are learning something new! Birth. You are creating a new thought, a new song, a new company.

Disgust? Someone is doing something you do not approve. Something that would make you feel like you would DIE if you had to do it.

Surprise? A sudden surge of something good or bad. A possible birth, a possible death. Most likely something small.

Anxiety? Feeling like something is leading to death!

After my strong PTSD, I quit watching movies because any small trigger could make me feel like I could die. I would get panic attacks so strong that it would take hours, days to come down from them. If I even could come down. I can say that I had a low key panic attack in the spring of 2017 for about half a year.

To me. Strong feelings are stupid.

Yet. Without strong feelings. We would not live in a society that is exactly the way it is. Trump tweeting away. Me and my wife living separately (but then again, would we have married either? probably not), me having changed due to my disease and so on.

The world would possibly something. Much more boring.

(It could be exciting too if people were not afraid of death and they would randomly venture under moving cars because they were not afraid of death! ;))

We would be more like computer programs running in these biological brains, more balanced, less likely to clash with each other.

Which is why it seems so silly that we are the way we are.

So why are we this way. Why are we so emotional.

Now imagine Siberian forests with saber tooth tigers.

Ten thousands years ago..  Saber tooth tiger "disappeared"

Go great great great.. grandpappy! :D (my stock comes from Siberia)

Our emotions were made to wipe out sabre tooth tigers. To take on other human clans. To fight. To love. To wildy take chances. To survive.

You take a humanbeing like that and damage their brain by giving them a thorn on their side (my epilepsy) that can kill them. Essentially giving you a saber tooth tiger in your own body and you have to come to terms with it. When you are kissed by death,
what do you do?

Will you be able to stand there. Not change?

No. Intelligence is all about adapting.

I began to talk of death a lot. I faced it every day. First, I tried not to think about it. I REALLY tried. I think that was the reason why I tried to not watch movies etc. Because they reminded me of my own life.

Furthermore mental illness often is a plot device that is exciting to normal people. To epileptics / anxiety sufferers, not so much.

But that did not work.

So in the next stage I began talking about death. Laughing in the face of it at times. Crying at others. I broke down. I wrote a song. "Making deals with God.":



2019 version


2015 version..

(originally I wrote it in 2013 I think)

(weird how that song would fit my life in 2019)

The lyrics of which were about a relationship breaking down, but which had nothing to do with the real identity of it. Which was about me begrudgingly becoming more Christian because it was the ONLY way I could deal with these emotions.

Yes. I did that. I became extremely Christian. I began to pray all the time. "Talking to God" "Making Deals With God" Praying that I would be healed. .
Going to heaven if I die.

My ex HATED that song. Because she could hear what it was about too..

About my ENDLESS pain.

She was throwing herself all in to help me. But nothing could heal me. My distress would never end. I still carry it to this day.

But since my grand mals. When I understood, they come sudden and may kill me. With my Christian faith. I began to become comfortable with the thought of death.

After years of suffering, panic attacks, insomnia and so on.

Death actually began to become not so distressing option.

I began to realize that LIFE was the source of my pain. Not so much death. Sure the thought of death still shakes me. But at the same time. In a way I accept it. Even welcome it if it comes.

Especially now that I have no people REALLY depending on me being alive.

Death. What was supposed to give me pain.

Has started to give me some joy..

I guess this could lead to suicide idealization. But not really. I know it is
dirty rotten no good idiotic thought for now (I am not bad off enough, if I
were I would probably travel to a country that allows euthanasia (yes, I asked my doctor if I would be admitted)) . Since I have come to understand that it is coming one day anyway.

This trauma is redefining me as a person. It is shaping me into someone that most people who want to happily go about their lives in their shopping mall of choice, sipping their soy lattes. Would not like.

My thoughts are no longer defined by how I will be healed and how I will marry again and have a child and reach this and that.

I know I am a ill 46 your old man whose sole task is to survive this moment.

My joy now comes from black humor and church. From laughing at myself and my pain. Waiting on God.

I live in this moment as I am now, fighting what ever my disease is throwing at me on the moment.

But this trauma that has befallen me has cost me so much.

Do I wish that when I first got sick I would not have reacted as I did?

Yes. But now I know why I did. If you read this blog. You may know that I had a bi polar 2 disorder. Without knowing it.

I fell ill with cold pneumonia, it was not recognized. Instead..

Doctors prescribed me anti depressants that made me feel this trauma (super anxious). People with bi polar 2 can respond with extreme emotions to anti depressants. I was one of them. . That emotion was medicated with medicines that lower seizure threshold and either A gave me epilepsy or B boosted some slight epilepsy I had always had, but was not aware of.

One pill ruined my life.

Ever since it happened. I called it chemical trauma. My doctors did not believe me. Until about month and a half back.

But yes. I was given emotional trauma by a medication which ended up changing me as a person.

How would you heal trauma like this?

How would you heal the rift between Finland and Russia, Democrats and Republicans?

You carry it to your grave. Trying to stay peaceful, poised, civilized. You pray,
you write long articles, you process.  You try to accept your losses.

You try to re define the walls, re invent yourself, re build your ego after it has been smashed to pieces.

You change.

It is the only constant.

And a proof you are still alive.