What happened to the soundclick players on the posts?

Seems Soundclick has finally disabled the embedded player.

I notice overnight all the music links on this blog are gone. Here is a blog post on how much that affected my hits: https://anttismusic...

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

Morbid



Exploring the Spanish Phrygian scale.. 

I used a Musicrow shaker maker plugin that makes shaker sound out of normal drums.. It is in effect channel 6.. 

It has a weird flow.. I could have expanded on it.. But I am feeling like total butt today.. It was a miracle I could even make something today.. 

I really should start making more music in different scales. . 

I had a really dark image this morning in my head as I was making this.. 

It was the windiest day in Finland ever.. The wind is howling and there are 
snow swirls rising from the snow.. My epilepsy, anxiety disorder and what 
ever it is I have right now.. Made me realize.. (Do not read if you are feeling bad from now on).. 

There is beauty in death.. The battlefield scattered with frozen bodies.. 

That were screaming, feeling crazy, fingers on triggers.. Fighting.. 

Suddenly silenced.. Scattered about.. Fingers stuck squeezing the trigger.. 

No longer moving.. No more afraid.. No more angry.. Wind playing around.. 

I fight a endless battle with what I call is "skin burning sensation", anxiety 
so strong it often leads to a seizure.. I realized today it is emotion that 
I have bottled up inside.. 

I talk endlessly with my wife like the guys waiting for Godot in the movie
/ book / play "waiting for Godot".. Angry at God, angry at this.. Angry at that.. Yearning to be at peace.. Yet unable to be at peace.. 
 7 years of (soon 8) of this struggle behind me.. Not knowing if I will ever
find a medical solution to it.. 

Frustrated beyond all belief.. Yet unable to vent 24 / 7.. Too tired to do that.. Remembering the distant days of my youth.. Tormented by those memories.. Hoping they would come back.. Settling for moments when I am having a coffee with my wife and we have talked as much as we can.. 

For a little moment feeling resolved.. Only for the feeling to come back the next moment.. 

I have heard that Woody Allen has something similar.. He calls it crippling
existential angst that takes over him if he does not work.. It is a very tiring 
state to be in.. 

I miss the days when my body was not broken by seizures.. Aches in my shoulders and arms because I have to put weight on them because my once 
insanely good shaped body has been turned into that of a old man in last 
8 months (my first and second seizures broke my back and made my spinal 
discs forever wedged and doctors just nod their shoulders like there is nothing they want to do) In many ways I have began to lose hope.. 

I put hope on the seizure meds.. But they make me feel like hell.. I feel 
like I have had flu ever since August.. The neurologists just nods her head 
and goes home at the end of the day.. Seeing me every few months.. 

The only solace I have is my wife.. Her great insight, her bible verses.. Her 
quotes from the bible from men who lived thousands of years ago who had 
similar battles.. 

I am tired.. 

I see the beauty of death.. But I guess I will eke on.. Trying to live.. 

As long as the good lord gives me.. 

Antti

The project is made with FLstudio v 20:


 The FLP file is at: (74 Morbid.zip)  

It uses:

Sforzando by Plogue:


Is playing  Sonatina Symphonic Orchestra by Mattias Westlund
that you can download at:

http://sso.mattiaswestlund.net/download.html

The instruments used are written in instrument headers.

Neo Piano mini:

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