Monday, April 22, 2019

Abandoned Colony On Gliese 581c



Another project using the OrchesTools sounds. 

This time the project has two FLP files in the zipped folder. 


The first one (Abandoned Colony On Gliese 581c.flp) contains project that has the 
sampletank 3 players with corresponding Orchestools instruments used. I bumped the 
instruments from the sampletank there to wav files because the project was so heavy. 

Then I made second one (Abandoned Colony On Gliese 581c #2.flp) that uses mostly the 
wav files so that the project runs better plus one instance of sampletank with orchestools
instrument. 

I usually don't do "creepy vibes" much. But the sounds just inspired me to write it.. 

It is maybe a little too slow. But I did not feel like changing the tempo because I would have 
had to up the tempo and re render the instruments that were bumped to wav.. So the generic 
130 it is.. :D 

Antti 


The project is made with FLstudio v 20.01.2!! (BETA)
It uses:

Sforzando by Plogue:


Is playing  Sonatina Symphonic Orchestra by Mattias Westlund
that you can't download at his site anymore. Replace it with another 
Orchestra

The instruments used are written in instrument headers.

 Sampletank 3 free: 

http://www.ikmultimedia.com/products/sampletank3free/


Playing instruments from:

OrchesTools V1 by Ilir Bajri: (GREAT) 

https://www.facebook.com/orchestools/

He made this out of the Versilian free library:

https://vis.versilstudios.com/vsco-2.html

Here is the installation guide:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/oubj0h1l875y0s6/OTONE_Win_Installation_Guide.pdf?dl=0&fbclid=IwAR3EBz8s9mX1tNpbCOQHwkFjp0MImdBkE_Nnfa8feZ6ms3q8E8hwqDlarDc

NI Kore player  (Standing Bass)

(I know Kore player has been discontinued by Native Instruments, but I did 
find this download link at brothersoft, I do not know if you can register the 
instrument anymore though.)

Sunday, April 21, 2019

Learning To Walk



In this project I use OrchesTools V1 for the Sampletank 3
that was made by Ijir Bajri who used the Versilian Free orchestral
library to make it.

It is GREAT FREE addition to other orchestral free libraries.

I used the "Jupiter Pad", flute # 3 and the shoosh in the end from OrchesTools.

The project is made with FLstudio v 20.01.2!! (BETA)
It uses:

Sforzando by Plogue:


Is playing  Sonatina Symphonic Orchestra by Mattias Westlund
that you can't download at his site anymore. Replace it with another 
Orchestra

The instruments used are written in instrument headers.

 Sampletank 3 free: 

http://www.ikmultimedia.com/products/sampletank3free/


Playing instruments from:

OrchesTools V1 by Ilir Bajri: (GREAT) 

https://www.facebook.com/orchestools/

He made this out of the Versilian free library:

https://vis.versilstudios.com/vsco-2.html

Here is the installation guide:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/oubj0h1l875y0s6/OTONE_Win_Installation_Guide.pdf?dl=0&fbclid=IwAR3EBz8s9mX1tNpbCOQHwkFjp0MImdBkE_Nnfa8feZ6ms3q8E8hwqDlarDc

Friday, April 19, 2019

I was magically cured out of my epilepsy as soon as I was asking for sick leave. (According to doctor) (Story about public health care in Finland)

Long story.

I was suffering from anxiety starting in 2011 spring due to having been sick from 4 months straight and not having any diagnosis. . I was treated with anxiety medication. Which made me feel even worse . Soon after getting the pills. . They found out I had had a cold pneumonia which ended up lasting 3 more months (Yes I had a flu that took half a year).
Had I known. I would not have needed the anxiety pills. But I guess giving them to me was cheaper than taking one x ray. (which they took any way later because I insisted)

The pills made me unable to sleep and gave me what I call chemical trauma. They worsened my anxiety times ten. I felt like my skin was on fire from my head to my toes. To combat that anxiety, I was given another pill so I could sleep called sequel (which makes epileptic seizures worse) (THIS COMES TO PLAY LATER). I quit both these pills half a year later because I felt they were bad for me. (Doctor insisted I keep on taking them).

But even after I quit. I would still suffer from the flashbacks of that anxiety. The sensations like my skin was on fire. Not being able to sleep. It was especially bad at night time. Starting from 2011 I could barely sleep.

About 2012 I began getting these weird electric jolts. That lasted fraction of a second. Before them, I could feel them coming. I would get invasive thought such as what if I hit my wife in the head with a frying pan that made me feel unreal. After the electric jolts. I would feel disoriented.

Fast forward 2016. Under stress at my in laws place. I was getting 10 of these a day. My life was simply put hell due to my emotions.

I did not want to eat with knives because I was thinking about offing myself. I was suffering from INSANE ANXIETY. I could barely sleep.
Sometimes I would stay up 2 days. Feeling my skin was on fire. Feeling I could trigger these electric jolts just by thinking about them. So I tried to think about nothing at all. Which as you can imagine, is pretty damn hard thing to do. Because the thing you do not want to think about. You end up thinking about subconsciously. But yes. I would try to obsess about some stupid new little thing that I had never thought of before. To do this. Like dial up use in USA (As you can see in my old reddit posts).

I came to Finland. I sought help once again.

I got psychiatric help. Sleeping aids. I felt somewhat better. But then we tried that same anti depressant we tried in 2011 (2017 spring).. Three times the dose. God. It was a feeling I would not subject Satan himself to. Off the scales anxiety and terror. I could not sleep.

I instantly understood it was that SHIT that caused me to feel the way I did starting 2011 spring.

I spent most of 2017 spring in bed getting multiple electric jolts. Not having a clue what was going on.

Slowly I began feeling a little bit better. But at the same time we had been pumping up the dose of the sleep aid (Ketopirin in Finnish, seroquel in US).. Because hell.  Sleep was everything to me. Like to Michael Jackson. (Try living without or with very reduced amount a few months.)

The jolts were becoming stronger.

I had asked from the pyshiatric doctors in 2016. "Could these be seizures". They said naah. They are de personalization attacks. I had few on the front of them back then. They saw nothing in my face..

 No one saw me fall 2017 onward. My mother in law.. She was nurses aid who worked in home for elderly.

We were skyping, I had one on front of her. After the skype. She told my wife. "honey, those are seizures in a email".

My wife did not want to tell me this. She told me anyway because she was off and could not keep the secret..

I FREAKED OUT. I had had that fear starting from 2011. I had been PSYCHING MYSELF every time I got one that THESE ARE NOT SEIZURES.

I would get often 2 of these things right after I fell asleep (After taking the seroquel sleep aid that is known to give people seizures). First words of my mouth were always, "I do not have a brain tumor right?".

She always said. "No, you are alright honey.". .

But at this point. I was fearful for my life.

So. I got my dad to pay for a mri. .

It came out clean. No tumor.

We flew to states 2018 spring..

One day we had a fight with my wife because she wanted to start coming back home alone.

I on the other hand felt I am dependent on her. Because she has been my psychiatrist, my no 1. Everything to me. Without her, I am pretty clueless..

So we fought about that.. I was afraid she wants to ditch me. After that fight. I was not sure if I have to fly home alone.. I was asking my dad for plane tickets back home that night if that happens.. I forced myself to sleep with seroquel..

Next day.. Sitting on a porch. I come to.

In a ambulance. I have had a minute and half grand mal seizure in which I broke a vertebrae.

Most likely it was caused by the seroquel I had been given for anxiety. Little did I know it makes seizures worse. Which would explain why they were becoming more and more visible since I began eating them.. I quit it instantly knowing that. 

I was given Kepra (anti seizure med). I start eating it. Still thinking the small ones must be anxiety attacks.. But at the same time. They were really bad. They would leave me very disoriented afterwards.

I come home (With my wife thank God). I go to doctor the day after. I lose my licence.

I thought I would come home. They are going to do every test in the book. They are going to treat me great right? This is the worlds best public health care right?

Not so much. I got in line for eeg. It took almost 2 months to get to it. My back. Now broken. Nothing was done about that. No x ray of it. No Mri. No nothing. One doctor visit.

The eeg was done. With the flashing lights.. I thought by the way at this point that the small
seizure were anxiety attacks. Because I had brain washed myself to thinking that. Thinking they were seizures was too scary.

But they were now visible on the left side of my face. My wife would see them.. I would flinch it a little bit when I got one (initially there was no such flinching, I would just feel them). I am not sure if I did that once I got Kepra. But most def before that.

So I walk in to neurologist office to get the eeg results.

Ta Daa! We saw epileptic activity in the emotional brain center. So when I first began getting these in 2012. And no one saw them..

I just felt it in my emotions. The feelings I had before. Were auras. The invasive thoughts. The insane suffering I would go through trying to fall asleep.. Etc.. It was emotional part of my brain not working right.

I was f***ing epileptic. In my emotional brain. (I make music to boot.)

The doctor still treats the little ones with suspicion. Giving me 2 options. No pills. Or maybe another pill than Kepra. Because Kepra scared her. She had seen one person get a psychosis on the front of her (Boo hoo, if that traumatized you, try eating the stuff. )

So she quits Kepra like to a wall. I start oxcarabazepine.

Well. Guess what happens to epileptics when you quit the pills like that.

Yes. Going to bed. Another grand mal seizure. (On a toilet of all places) Lasting another minute and half. Me traumatizing my wife yet again. Foaming in the mouth and all that good stuff. My folks crying when I come to with another ambulance crew around me.

So now my back was broken in 2 places. Clearly. I am f****ed for life.

We slowly pumped up the apydan to 1200 mg.

Which makes me very angry. Gives me vertigo. Made me lose my vision. All that good stuff..
(I use nordic walking poles to walk, because once I begin feeling dizzy, it gets worse if I do not. )..

I was in some psychiatric treatment afterwards too. Like anxiety management group.. Trying to help me to deal with understandably very anxious feelings.. I was afraid for my life. I would talk about death 24 7 and still do.

So Apydan does not fit me because it made me rage etc. We try other pills. They all hit my emotions in weird ways. The latest was "deprakine" last January. I felt weird during it. After a week I wanted to get off it.

So I quit it double time. As it begins to wear off.. F me.. After a horrible weekend of almost not sleeping at all.. In which I ended up taking one sleeping med (that was presrcibed to me in the psych treatment 2018 fall), unable to sleep with that either..  I began hallucinating. . Feeling like I could hear voices.. Tinnitus so loud it was like a storm wind around me.. (I am never taking a sleep med again)

WORST FEELING OF MY LIFE. .

Trembling all over.

Finally I crashed to bed afterwards..

Woke up with tinnitus still loud.. I realize some damage happened due to that pill experiment.

I realize now. Oxcarabazepinum with all its side effects is the way to go. No more new pills. No more effing around.

Week goes by. I am making music. Singing a song. Not feeling great. I am singing a song.

Suddenly, mid singing. My emotions turn off.

I tell my wife. Quit singing. I feel.. Nothing.

I look around. Understanding logically that something very odd just happened.

I go for a walk. Wondering if the feeling would cease. It does not. I go home. I talk with my father. I decide it is time to go to a doctor. I describe what happened. They forward me to a big hospital. I talk to a neurologist. They do a eeg. Because hell. I do not know? Could this be a new form of seizure. Did my emotional brain just shut off?

So they do the test. Tell me to come back next morning. They take another 20 one. Nothing.. Afterwards I felt what was a seizure, but nothing during it. At this point they are so mild again no one can see them outside. I just feel them when thing feel weird. .

Yes. I can even push myself to one when I feel I am close by thinking about something disturbing. I tell the doctors about that. They having sneering voice. One had already told me before. "Oh you are the one who can give himself seizures?". They do not believe me. I get it.

MIRACLE HEALING FOLLOWS (According to doctors)

Now a thing about my finances. I come from a business family.. My folks went bankrupt back in 1992.. Here in Finland once you do. You can not own anything for DECADES. (at least that is how it used to be) So I ended up buying a house for us. (I was a millionaire on paper age 16, but since my dad used that money as collateral against his own loans we lost it all)

So I have been living off the little rent I get from my folks. And assistance from my wives parents. Truthfully. I could live on almost nothing. I make music. That is all I want to do.

Now looking back. Probably due to the way I am made. I can not handle stress. First and foremost because it makes me unable to sleep.
 Also, if people get angry at me. Due to having been a hostage in which the hostage taker said he is going to kill me back in 1991. I am very fast thinking they want to kill me or attack me.

To which I respond through my trauma. IE I get VERY ANGRY. (which is made worse by the oxcarbazepinum that is know to give people rage. (Yes it is the worst possible pill for me. But what do you do? I do not want to break more vertebra's or worse in grand mal seizures.)

Also the bankruptcy and ensuing prison sentence for my dad and suspended sentence for my mother. Which made my family very much a pariah of society. Did not give me much sympathy in my immediate surroundings.

So I learnt to live on almost nothing. Away from people.  Suffering from social anxiety and all that good stuff..

But now.. My dad.. He is no longer bankrupt (since 2011). He wants to pay me less rent I guess.

So he said. "You deserve sick leave!." He starts this whole process of getting me some money from the system. That I have not got a dime from in about 20 years.

I am like.. Ok. Lets go with it.. Pretty sure that I wont get a dime. Since at my psychiatric treatment

So we go to GP. Start the process.. GP forwards me to a neurologist.

We walk in. ..

Hostile face. She tells me.. "The big hospital (Meilahti) 20 minute eeg did not show any epileptic acitivity. I do not believe your small ones are seizures."

I am like. "What?". I tell her. Why did the Oxcarbazepinum cut my non seizures then from 4 6 a day down to 1 in 8 days?"

She tells me. "Because you probably felt better after the diagnosis.". "False", I told her.

"I FELT WORSE. Because now after every seizure I thought I could die.". She goes on about the 20 minute test. Again and again she refers to that.

And that is that. I am now cured out of my epilepsy according to her. We go back and forth. I tell my wife to describe the seizures to her. She does not listen. Just absolute hostility on her face.

Like I was a pain in their ass they wish did not come back. Or better yet kill myself.

Finally she concedes. "Ok, you can come back for 2 day observation. "

And here is the gold nugget.

"Then do everything you can to GET SEIZURES."

I am blasted away.

What the f**k just happened?

We walk out of the door. I tell my dad. "You know she is wrong right?", he mumbles something.

I press him about the issue in the car. He says. "I am engineer and I believe in gauges and readings.".

He wont admit I am right..

So this doctor gaslighting me.

(gaslighting: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting)

Has spread to my dad.

Gaslighting means somebody plants a seed that makes you doubt your own sanity. .

As if I needed any more seeds after 9 years of going through hell..

We came home.. Fought the whole way.

I told him. "What if I had doubted you in the nineties when everyone said you are a criminal and I did not believe them.".. (He never admitted to doing anything criminal.)

He gets all excited and just focuses on himself, butt hurt I even suggested such a thing.

Not getting that he is doing EXACTLY THE SAME TO ME!

Dear folk out there.

I know I am epileptic. Truthfully, I do not need them money.

I was assuming the way this thing was going to go. We are going to march in and they are going to say. You do not deserve the money..

That is what I actually wanted her to tell us.

Because I know this system. They do not want to give anything for anyone. I saw in my anxiety group people who had tried suicide and were hallucinating and were told to go back to work.

I knew how the system is.

My dad does not.

But that the lady had balls to doubt the existence of my epilepsy. Thus making me feel like I am nuts.

Lady. May God bless you.

I am not going to go and train myself to have seizures. First I was thinking about doing it.

But since I do not know if I can have a seizure in the 2 day follow up. I am not going to push myself into one.

I am not going to start training my brain to have MORE SEIZURES.

But boy. What a fuckedy doo dad world we live.

But hey looking at the bright side.. If they do not want to admit the small ones are seizures.. I can drive again right? Wink wink.. :D

I still dream of epileptic surgery since my epilepsy is in a single point. I have heard and the neurologist admitted it could be treatable.

But what chance do I have if they are willing to stoop this low just so they do not have to give me sick leave due to this.

I heard there was a 16 year old kid who was in line for surgery and they took him out since he had turned 16.. This is the reality of the Finnish health care system..

They just expect you to take your pills and shut your mouth up.. Ok. I am shutting it now.. I just had to vent..

Antti out.

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

Day Is A Long Time For A Butterfly / Porch Pooper (V2)



Vocal



Instrumental

#pop

I made a new version of "Porch Pooper" and added 
vocals to it:

Day Is A Long Time (For A Butterfly)

day is a long time 
for a butterfly 

no use wasting it
sitting around 

spread your wings and fly 

in this old world 
so full of stains and grime
don't you know that you're
like the sun

from a flower to flower 
you are the star of the hour 
you are the color that shines 
when there is  just gray for miles

so baby show us those wings 
and make us feel there is some magic
be the breath of a God
that still might walk

when i am all spent 

and i got nothing 

when i am losing faith 

when all, feels fake 

be the apple of my eye 
be the magic of the night 
be the dance that floats 
be the violin that soars 

be the key to my lock 
make me feel moonstruck 
like i never was in pain 
make it all go away 

when all is lost 
and nothing makes sense 
please lead the way 
please lead us back home 

from flower to flower 
you are the star of the hour 
you are the color that shines 
when there is  just gray for miles

so baby show us those wings 
and make us feel there is some magic
be the breath of a God
that still might walk

day is a long time 
for a butterfly 

no use wasting it
sitting around 

spread your wings and

 fly 

-


The project is made with FLstudio v 20.01.2!! (BETA)

https://forum.image-line.com/viewtopic.php?f=100&t=200689

 The FLP file is at: (52 Day Is A Long Time For A Butterfly.zip)


It uses:

Sforzando by Plogue:


Is playing  Sonatina Symphonic Orchestra by Mattias Westlund
that you can't download at his site anymore. Replace it with another 
Orchestra

The instruments used are written in instrument headers.

Monday, April 15, 2019

May God Bless You



Vocal



Instrumental


I started yesterday thinking about the new FLEX synth and the 808 it has..

For some reason.. It does not make me anxious as bass sounds tend to..

So I began making a 808 project..

I watched one tut before starting..


I wrote the 808 ish things first.. The slide ideas the guy had did not
work so well for me.. So no slides.. 808's never came very
naturally for me.. But anyway.. I wrote it yesterday..

Went for a bike trip.. A bus honked at me and blocked my lane because he
was late and I guess from his viewpoint I did not give him enough space..

My first instinct was pure rage.. I am driving a bicycle for Christ sake. The
road was empty.. I was driving on the roadside. He drove slow on the front of
me at the shoulder of the  road and was pointing at the walkaway (I drive a road bicycle so fast that it can be dangerous for me to drive on the walkaway).

But I came home.. Had a seizure from the rage.. I realize.. I can not hate
anymore.. I hurt myself doing it. So I have to start saying "May God Bless
You" instead..

Not a easy thing to do.. Also.. Last night Notre Dame burnt, everybody is
hysterical.. I hate to say it.. Churches burn.. We all die.. No reason to get
hysterical.. Just..

May God bless you!

May God Bless You
may God bless you 
protect and keep you
from the fires burning
from the rivers raging
on the way to the promised land
you know nothing goes as you plan
you win you lose and you fall in love
may God bless you man!
Don't
Mind
The News
Churches will burn
people will die
stars will explode
this life is for a while.
may God bless you
(bless you)
protect and keep you
(keep you)
from the fires burning
(burning)
from the rivers raging
(churning)
on the way to the promised land
you know nothing goes as you plan
you win you lose and you fall in love
may God bless you man!
Bless you.
Bless you.
Bless you.
May God bless you!

--


The project is made with FLstudio v 20.01.2!! (BETA)

https://forum.image-line.com/viewtopic.php?f=100&t=200689

 The FLP file is at: (51 May God Bless You.zip)


It uses:

Sunday, April 14, 2019

Flexing Poetic (I am testing the new FLEX synth from Image Line)



I am testing beta version of FL Studio. It has a brand new synth - FLEX. 

I am trying different presets here.. I like the 808 patches.. 

The project is made with FLstudio v 20.01.2!!


https://forum.image-line.com/viewtopic.php?f=100&t=200689

 The FLP file is at: (50 Flexing Poetic.zip


It uses: